Cancer is a Lesson

 I recently came across a quote on someone's words of wisdom Instagram page. It read, "Be the person you needed when you were younger."  

And it made me laugh.  

Because I was the person I needed when I was younger - for so very many years. But what about the person you need now? When you are older and life is turned upside down?

Up until the COVID pandemic and my cancer diagnosis (I was informed I had cancer via a phonecall a year into the COVID isolation), I had attended Shabbat services. In my Jewish faith, every Shabbat a list of people's names would be read as we prayed for healing. The special prayer, Misheberach, hopefully brought peace to many in various ways. For me, it was also a way of learning who in my community might need some extra support or comfort.

I did not need a "caring committee", nor any form of organization. What I did, I did on my own, believing it was my obligation to help others. I would remember some of the names recited in temple for this special prayer and reach out to them. Knowing how important one's privacy and boundaries are, initially I would only send them a card and a note introducing myself. I did the very same in my local secular community. If I heard someone was ill or struggling with life difficulties, I reached out. Being financially challenged, it was not about money. I wish I could have done so much more in that sense for others, but what I was willing to give was my caring, attention and good will. So many times, I ended up giving my heart, too.  

These individuals I would reach out to...I have lost so many of them. Many of them had partners, family members, spouses that are still with us on earth. But those individuals I wrote to, and many befriended - unfortunately most are gone.

I would also send care packages when I could. A Superman t shirt to someone fighting cancer, Superman socks for them to wear through chemo treatment, a blanket with positive affirmations on it, ginger candy for their nausea, and sometimes even a handpainted denim jacket with words of strength and bravery painted on it. I even made someone a gallon of matzoh ball soup when that was all they could digest due to their colon cancer. In other words, I did what I could.

And the cards....oh, I must have been sending out three a week to various people - for years. Decades. Just saying that someone was thinking of them. And I was. Sometimes I would hear back, sometimes I wouldn't. And most often, I made new friends. Losing them was the hardest.

I'm not saying this to announce my own praises. I'm saying it because never in a million years did I think I would be the one on that Misheberach list in temple. Never in a million years would I have predicted I would have cancer. I ate right, exercised, was never overweight. But I guess all the stress of being a domestic violence victim, then survivor, took its toll. 

I was the person I need now.

Life is so unpredictable and precious. I am beyond grateful to have my own angels. Since my diagnosis, I think I take notice of things more. I also take things more seriously than I did in the past. There are people that I would literally do anything for because in the last three years, I have seen them show up for me in ways I would have never imagined. How lucky am I? They have literally carried me through this horrible journey, navigating a disease with oncologists and a superb medical team. Unfortunately there is no cure for my blood cancer and the chemotherapy treatment is perpetual in order to keep me alive. But I can do it because these friends, my clergy and synagogue staff, who are angels give me strength each and every day. I believe I would be dead without them. Unfortunately, I do not have the support of a single family member - cancer ghosting. I'll tell you more about that. Cancer is the hardest thing I have ever done. And let me tell you, I've done alot of hard stuff!

I have learned many cancer lessons. What an eye opener it has been. The world will not treat you better just because you are a good person. It is said that a fake friend can do more damage than five enemies. There were people in my life who were like shadows. They were there in the sun, but left me in the dark.

When something is stirring within me, it festers when I don't let it out. And if you have ever been through any type of psyche therapy, journaling is the first thing you do to heal. I'm writing my disappointment out.

Let me begin by saying losing fake friends is a win.

I was friendly with a group of women for 15 years. I met them through my Torah classes at two different temples. I loved Jewish studies and always participated prior to COVID and cancer diagnosis. Having moved to NJ from NY and CT, these women were my social circle. And I held them very dear to my heart. We saw each other various times during each week. Torah study on Saturday mornings, breakfast at Eppes Essin every Saturday morning, Jewish study in one night a week at someone's home, and eventually Mah Jong every Tuesday. 

We played Mah Jong outside during COVID and several times met for outdoor dinners. These people were my world. One woman's husband was dying from cancer and we made sure to be extra careful regarding germs, etc.  

Then came my cancer diagnosis. Once diagnosed, I told them that I would be starting chemotherapy and my immune system would be tremendously compromised. I cordially requested that they let me know in advance if they ever felt ill or like they were coming down with something - so I would stay away and excuse myself. I did not know how difficult this was to adhere to for some of these women. I was rudely snapped at by one women telling me that colds weren't contagious after the second day, like she was a medical professional. But the worst was when the woman whose husband had recently died from cancer, acted out. She had just had COVID, tested negative for one day and wanted to sit next to me at a class!

Back then, there was COVID protocol. And for me that protocol was taken to a high level, oncologists' orders. I was seated at a table with friends when someone said they were saving this woman who just had COVID a seat at my table. I spoke up. After all the years I had swallowing my silence, when it comes to my health now - I stand up for myself. I kindly asked if a seat could be saved for this woman at another table because she just had COVID and I had to keep my distance for another week.

Knowing I had cancer, the woman moved to another table...saving "post COVID" woman a seat with her.

I knew about her health status because she was in my Mah Jong group. Otherwise, she didn't tell anyone else at this lecture that she had just tested negative after being sick for a week.

Long story short, I returned home to a text on my phone saying that I was no longer welcome to play Mah Jong with this group of women. I had respectfully set up my own health boundaries and they did not like it. I was not worth it to them to keep a safe distance when they were sick or recently recovering.

I'm sorry to be rambling but it feels good to get this off my chest. I thought these women, and their spouses/partners, were my friends but they abandoned me at the worst of times. I was then cancer ghosted. Never to hear from any of them again. (And these are the women who study Torah related subjects?)

I had to set health boundaries not to upset them, but to protect myself.

Fake people.  

The best way to move on from fake friends is to focus on the real ones. And let me tell you....if you want to know who your real friends are - just get cancer. My heart is bursting from all the love my real friends show me. I am grateful for every single bit of caring that they show me. From my bestie of 40 years (J), to my rabbi, to my dear friends M and P, to J (whose husband was lost to the harrowing big C), to my Canasta group, and especially to the owner of In the Pink, a local Livingston boutique. Just writing this - I am bursting and so uplifted. Because there are too many real good caring friends to include here, but please know who you are. Phoning me, texting me, showing that you remember me - you are carrying me through the most difficult journey of my life.

So be the kind of person you needed when you were younger....and be the kind of person to others that you might need some day if life turns upside down.