A Day of Lost Faith

Today is Rosh Hashanah for those of the Jewish religion, of which I am one. And today I sit here alone, pondering my faith - not in God (for I always believe in Him) - but in humanity.

It's been a rough patch over the last couple of years. Come to think of it, I look back on so much of my life, and damn - I've lived through so much shit! I know everyone has a story, but I'm amazed I'm still alive.

I am thinking about the concept of faith. Faith in our religion, faith in humanity, faith for a better tomorrow. And I know I have lost so much faith.

On this day when we observe a new year on the Jewish calendar, my belief system feels so very unsteady. The world is constantly betrayed. I guess what I really feel is that I am tired of betrayal.

The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from strangers, or from enemies: it comes from those you trust and care about the most. And the worse betrayal of all is when that person holds your heart. In life, trust is not easy for everyone. It's never been easy for me. That is not my own fault...I have trust issues because so many people have lying issues. Once the concept of trust is broken it's very difficult to trust anyone again.

But I have tried. So many times.  

Partner betrayal takes it on an whole new level, a higher ground than I'd ever imagined. The pain is indescribable and unspeakable. Writing here is my only healthy way of coping today.

Maybe it's really a fault of mine, having someone that I give my heart to, try to trust as best I can...only to find myself the fool. I'm tired of being strong. I'm even more tired of forgiving someone who hurts me so deeply it leaves me feeling destroyed inside. Every time you forgive someone, I think you love them a little less. Until you are void.

I guess that feeling of being left debilitated only comes from really giving someone your heart. I know life is complicated. People are complicated. But when someone knows how destructive something like cheating and lying is, why would they repeat it over and over again. And why would I forgive such behaviour.

Because I am a fool. A fool who finds it easier to believe someone than always doubt them. This person who most recently betrayed me joined a long list of predecessors. But he has hurt my heart the most. Because his betrayal is inexplicable and complicated, confusing and crippling.

When I ran to the police station, that final night of living with my ex husband - my heart never hurt. I knew it was clear-cut. Leave or be killed. Tell the police and file for divorce. It had to be over. That was black and white.

But I've been living in the grey with someone else. It didn't feel clear-cut.

Because at one point I believe I loved this person. And I saw the good I wanted to see.

It is my strong belief that God makes mistakes. Some day I may get a chance to discuss this with Him directly. For now, I ask in prayers. But answers don't come. My faith in God doesn't waver. Just faith in what he allows people to do in our world. Murders, rapes, good people getting catastrophic illnesses, crimes so awful the suffering is off the charts. And bad people prosper. I don't understand why?

Why can't people be kind? It is so much easier than anything else.

And this recent man who would look me in the eye, tell me he loved me, go to my medical appointments with me, be there for me in so many ways - and then hurt me in so many more. I know God is watching this happen. Why? I have had my sons ripped out of my life, survived rape and domestic violence, a 15 year divorce battle which left me penniless, cancer.....why? Why was Charlie Kirk murdered last week? A good man. Why does all this happen?

Faith in rituals has diminished for me - for now. People I have seen attend services would leave the premises to enact awful things on others. Cruelty, cheating, lying. A man wearing the grandest tallis in services could go home to destroy the heart of his partner, over and over again. Women who I saw as so observant in the house of worship, would leave to cause heartache in a fellow woman, a friend.

So here I am. Alone on a holiday where my faith in humanity dwindles.

But there is one saving grace.

Dogs. God gave us dogs.

I am a single 69 year young woman. I continue to fight my battles. And my dog is my world. I have a roof over my head. There are some people in my life who are extraordinarily caring. It makes the pain in my heart more bearable. 

And I thank God for that each and every day.

Even when my faith in humanity on a whole is dwindling.