Posts

Family Isn't Everything

Image
People often ask me why I don't speak or write about my older son. I think it's mostly because he terrified me. My first born will be 44 years old on December 19th. Jason. His father, my abusive ex husband, turned him against me decades ago....Jason was another victim of parental alienation who took on his father's persona, at 17 years old he was diagnosed as showing early signs of sociopathy, so cruel and he has not communicated with me for over 15 years.The tragedy that occurred today triggered terrible memories... including the time when Jason was almost 18 (already 6 feet tall), and Judge Braslow ,of Westchester County Court, court ordered a restraining order against him for threatening to kill me(he threatened my life in front of my domestic violence representative from the shelter I stayed at in Pleasantville NY, who reported it to the judge) ….I should write a book. 😞  For the people who say “family is everything”… Family is not always everything. One ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Day of Lost Faith

Image
Today is Rosh Hashanah for those of the Jewish religion, of which I am one. And today I sit here alone, pondering my faith - not in God (for I always believe in Him) - but in humanity. It's been a rough patch over the last couple of years. Come to think of it, I look back on so much of my life, and damn - I've lived through so much shit! I know everyone has a story, but I'm amazed I'm still alive. I am thinking about the concept of faith. Faith in our religion, faith in humanity, faith for a better tomorrow. And I know I have lost so much faith. On this day when we observe a new year on the Jewish calendar, my belief system feels so very unsteady. The world is constantly betrayed. I guess what I really feel is that I am tired of betrayal. The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from strangers, or from enemies: it comes from those you trust and care about the most. And the worse betrayal of all is when that person holds your heart....
Post a Comment
Read more

Jimmy Blue Eyes and My Regret

Image
I have a few regrets in my life.  I know not the best to have but such it is.  Two of them are pretty major. The first is that I did not go to the police and file a report when I was raped.   The second is not telling my Uncle about all the abuse I endured after I married my rapist. Sometimes I just think about how different my life would have been, could have been, as those two regrets most likely would have changed the entire trajectory that led me to today. I should have gone to the police, or at least another adult, regarding the rape...but back then it was humiliating, full of shame, and too scary.  It was as though my soul was kidnapped when in truth a piece of me was destroyed.  I was always invisible to my parents so they did not even realize or take notice of how the trauma caused my world to change. Marrying my rapist, though, is on a whole other level of making a bad decision...but I keep reflecting how different things might have been had I told...
Post a Comment
Read more

No More Angels

Image
  I used to believe in angels. I don't anymore. And now I have proof of their non-existence. Elizabeth Weinstein died a few weeks ago. Her name may not ring a bell....She tried to get it out there, though. Along with a fight for justice. A fight that too many women everywhere are losing.   Lizzy(Elizabeth) was introduced to me by another warrior for justice, the late Catherine Kassenoff. You might not recognize her name either. If you don't know who she is, count yourself lucky. Because that would most likely mean you are unaware of the corruption and abuse in the Westchester County New York court system. And you probably were not married to a sociopath. Catherine, Lizzy and I lost custody of our respective children to our respective abusers. The system is broken. A law guardian who had an affair with the chief judge, a diagnosed sociopath being given a gun permit (even as restraining orders were recorded against him)...
Post a Comment
Read more

Cancer is a Lesson

Image
  I recently came across a quote on someone's words of wisdom Instagram page. It read, "Be the person you needed when you were younger."   And it made me laugh.   Because I was the person I needed when I was younger - for so very many years. But what about the person you need now? When you are older and life is turned upside down? Up until the COVID pandemic and my cancer diagnosis (I was informed I had cancer via a phonecall a year into the COVID isolation), I had attended Shabbat services. In my Jewish faith, every Shabbat a list of people's names would be read as we prayed for healing. The special prayer, Misheberach, hopefully brought peace to many in various ways. For me, it was also a way of learning who in my community might need some extra support or comfort. I did not need a "caring committee", nor any form of organization. What I did, I did on my own, believing it was my obligation to help others. I would re...
Post a Comment
Read more

Through a Mother's Eyes

Image
Today is a day full of memories.  Most of which I wish I could forget.  My younger of two sons was born 40 years ago today. Please read my previous post to know the status of my non relationship with this young man.  It is one of sadness and abuse. I'm going to celebrate today, though.  Not because it belongs to him.  But because it is a day I triumphed through a very difficult 9 months..... My first son was two years old when I learned I was pregnant again.  I was thrilled. At 11 weeks of my pregnancy, I went for an ultrasound.  Alone.  I was not part of a marital couple who participated in such important appointments together.  I was married to an abusive man who wanted nothing to do with anything that wasn't about him. So  I went to my ultrasound appointment and sure enough there was something in between the legs of the image on the screen - and the nurse confirmed I was having another boy.  A girl would have been nic...
Post a Comment
Read more

Be Careful What You Wish For

  Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. A few months ago, my ringtone went off on my cellphone while I was painting. As I looked at the caller ID screen, my heart felt like it skipped a beat. The identification said that one of my two adult alienated sons was calling. He had not phoned me in almost 20 years. You know how there are things you pray for - well, at least I do as I have occasionally asked God for assistance in the same breath as expressing gratitude...but you realize they are unlikely? I often pray for my sons to have awakenings. To understand that they were victims of their father's abuse in so many ways, especially in destroying my relationships with them. Parental alienation is the weaponizing of children, usually in high conflict divorces, as they are brainwashed by an abusive parent to turn against the targeted loving parent. As in my case, it was merely another way for my ex-husband to hurt me. My ...
Post a Comment
Read more